Sunday, March 16, 2008

See Jumper with Me.

I'm going to see Jumper before break ends, I swear to God. NO--put down that phone. Don't call anybody. This is going to happen. I'm going to walk up to the ticket counter, slap down my $50, and get one ticket to see the best movie about teleportation since X-Men 2: X-Men in Tights. I don't care about the repercussions. For all I know, as soon as my money leaves the Cinemark register two men in a big black van could be transporting it to a secret Hollywood fund that pays for Samuel L. Jackson's hairstyle budget.

NONE of these are images from Jumper, and if that's not proof I haven't seen it, I don't know what is. All I know is that Sam Jackson is in Jumper, and he has a stick or some shit. I don't want to sound ignorant or racist, but you give that man a stick and he's going to go to town on someone like a crazy Injun. This is a man so tough he was famously eaten by a shark. He only dies in the coolest ways. If I remember correctly, Mace Windu was raped to death by wookies with awesome headbands. I was drunk and the image was so vivid I remember it perfectly. That's just how Coolio that this guy is. He's practically LL Cool J. Hell, I heard he has one son, and he named him Kool Cigarettes Jackson, and when someone was like, 'why did you name him that?' Sam Jackson farted, and the guy melted into bones.

Huhn? Some white guy? OH. That reminds me, some white guy is also in this movie. That white guy up there, serves as a reminder of that fact. I'm pretty sure it's not that white guy...or even a white guy who looks like that guy...I mean, I doubt that douchebag up there has even been in any movies!...but on behalf of all white people everywhere, I would like to thank the filmmakers for going out of their way to put a white person to play opposite Sam Jackson in the film. Whites, as a people, realize that none of us are stronger than Sam Jackson, and that according to legend only a maiden pure of heart can cure his unstoppable rage and hair-do-suavery. But still, the filmmakers allow our proud people to stand near him and compare our ways to his, in the same way that the NBA has worked for years.

Why do I bring this up? To make a point. I don't give a shit about white people. And it seems like the only people who've been telling me not to see Jumper are WHITE PEOPLE. And maybe it's because I know mostly white people and haven't asked Muindi about it yet, but maybe MORE LIKELY it's because white people are fucking idiots. Need some examples?

I rest my case. I could look up all the facts I need on IMDB to prove my points further, but I already know the story. Sam Jackson pushed his way into some film studio, slapped the script on the table and said, "I HAVE PENNED ANOTHER MASTERPIECE." The studio says, "you're too brilliant, Sammy! So brilliant, that we must keep it secret! Get another pseudonym for Mr. Jackson, before his incredible wit grows to fill this room and smother us all!"

The Oscars are hungry for Jumper. And so am I. Hungry like a white person with a taste for Applebees. I am seeing it on Wednesday, after class, when I am finished for the quarter. You are invited, if you are strong enough to stare into the face of Jackson and live. But something tells me that tells me that like a chicken, your skin is yellow. The worst color of all.

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