X-Pensive

NEW COMIC

You bet your ass that it's time for the countdown to superkeeno next-gen console time. That's right, bitchtotes, Sony, Microsoft, and the BIG N are preparing for their newest breakthroughs in mind-numbing, social-skill-destroying video game entertainment, and I'm sure you couldn't be happier. Look at you, with your fucking Space Channel 5 t-shirt and your Banjo-Kazooie soundtrack blasting Bubble Gloop Swamp like it's your job to suck ass. Stop living in the past! Get ready for a whole new set of systems to put your archaic models to shame. Although at first glance, these new systems don't seem to be monumentally improved from the machines you've already poured hundreds upon hundreds of dollars into, but on closer inspection, I'm sure you'll see the key graphical differences.

For example, here's Madden 2006 on the original Xbox:

And here's Madden 2006 on the all-new Xbox 360!

Whoa! Check out the slight texturing differences! I guess I can't complain about the uneven shading of certain player's jerseys anymore. I'm sure you've already noticed the obvious improvements in Jersey-Crease Bit-Mapping as well. Also, there seems to be considerably less ass-grabbing in this iteration, so you Southerners can finally jump on the accessible, frat-boy sport game bandwagon without fearing excommunication from the church!

If the pointlessness of the upgrades doesn't have you bummed enough, Xbox fans will be happy to learn that their system has become more than a repository for violence and predictability. Now, it's also the home of good old fashioned American elitism. The Xbox 360 is being sold in two different packages: One is the core system coming with a controller and AV cables for $300, and the other is the ACTUAL bundle, coming with a slew of sexy features, but costing $100 more. That's right, 400 big ones for the fully-functional Xbox and 300 bucks for the cheapo rip-off version of an already overpriced machine. What's the big difference? Well, none, unless you like saving your games. Or going online. Or using the long-promised wireless controller. Or playing original Xbox games on the new system. You see, these features are only available to the worthy elite who purchase the more expensive version. Buy the cheaper and you're basically stuck with a less functional console than your old Xbox. Fun stuff. It'll be great to see the class warfare between families this year at Christmas:

Jimmy: Did you get the new Xbox for Christmas?

Timmy: I sure did!

Jimmy: Isn't the wireless controller cool? I can play Perfect Dark Zero online from my bed!

Timmy: I don't have a wireless controller. What do you mean online?

Jimmy: Oh, sick! Are you a poor person?!

Timmy: Wh--what? What do you mean?

Jimmy: I always thought your family smelled homeless.

Timmy: We're not homeless! My dad just didn't get his raise this year!

Jimmy: If you're not homeless then you'd be able to play KOTOR 2 on your XBOX. I bet you can't even save.

Timmy: Mom says if I shovel a lot of snow, maybe I can earn enough money for the hard drive.

Jimmy: YOU'LL NEVER EARN MONEY! YOUR FAMILY IS WORTHLESS! SANTA DIDN'T BUY YOU AN XBOX BECAUSE YOU'RE A SECRET JEW!

Timmy: NO! I'D NEVER BE A JEW!

Jimmy: MICROSOFT SAYS YOU ARE! *pushes Timmy into puddle of slush, kicks him in the teeth*

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow: Nintendo's Rebuttal