The N-Pire Strikes Back

(there should be a new comic up this weekend. in color, for your viewing pleasure)
UPDATE (11/11/o5) : HERE IT FUCKING IS .

So with big bad Microsoft gunning down the competition by simply having more money than God, it's become clear that Nintendo can't compete in terms of technology. They have to be innovative to survive in this ever-changing market. If Microsoft is playing to the elite, then it's time for Nintendo to release a system that will cater to the penny-pinchers, the one car homes, and those seconds away from using rubber gas plugs to end their lives. Introducing:

NINTENDO : BLUE!

...COLLAR.


Artist's Mock-up:

Get ready for affordable fun with the Nintendo Blue Collar, the only video entertainment unit made for the working-class schmoe. Simply drop the game cartridge inside the console, close the lid (Official Nintendo Scotch Tape sold seperately), and start cranking, because you're in for the most family-friendly reality shock of this fiscal year! Gather up four of your friends--three extra players, plus one to turn the crank--and engage in some of the most financially responsible multiplayer gaming ever achieved on a construction worker's salary. Nintendo Blue Collar: It's one machine that won't take your job!

Of course, a system this fine stands tall by its own merits, but a console is only as good as it's games. Although all third-party developers have refused to design games for this "obtuse bastardization of all we stand for," just wait'll you see the fun Nintendo has in store for your favorite mascots on the new system:

** Star Fox: Mortgage Assault -- Falco, Peppy, and Slippy are back to help Fox with another mission, perhaps the most treacherous one of all...selling his house to the bank to pay off the gambling debts. Stepping away from traditional flying and shooting gameplay, Mortgage Assault focuses on puzzle-based, interactive paperwork simulation (PIPS), a new design method pioneered by Nintendo's accounting department. If you've ever wondered just how many forms a personified space-animal could fill out before the sun sets and the alcoholism kicks in, this is the game for you!

** Luigi's Repossessed Mansion -- Join the lesser Mario Brother as he struggles to find a new apartment after his bank loan falls through and the repo men come for the Mansion. Mini-games include clipping ads from the classifieds, calling relatives for money, and sleeping in church confessional booths. (PROTIP: Avoid the overly sympathetic priest!)

** Kirby's Dream Alimony -- You think your life is bad? Kirby's no good wife divorced him, just because the kids couldn't take a little tough love. Sure, the teacher noticed their bruises, but c'mon, in this world, you gotta be strong to survive. It's dog-eat-dog-then-absorb-the-dog's-special-ability out there, and those fucking kids of hers were getting soft! Tap A repeatedly to consume nachos and B to flip television channels. Try to maintain a solid rhythm or else Kirby might notice the mail from the collection agency. (PROTIP: Live off the grid; move to Seattle, maybe open a titty bar.)

** Wave Race: Bathtub Adventure -- Remember those days of youth where you used to pretend you were out on the uncharted seas, when you were really just sitting in a bathtub like a 'tard? Well, now you can pay to! Alternate L & R buttons to wildly swing your toddlers legs in hopes of paddling along the outer rim of the tub for victory! Careful, not too hard! He doesn't have solid motor skills yet. Win the golden pacifier to placate your infant's sick, oral fixation. Mmm, tastes like mom's nipple--OF VICTORY! Battle the terrifying Duck le Rubbaire for a chance at the ultimate Ring-Around-the-Tub Championship. Don't stay in too long, sweetums! You'll get pruney!

** Pilotwings: Cropduster -- Finally, a game that shows us the true grit and determination of the majestic cropduster without gussying it up like in all those Hollywood cropdusting stories. You play as Hank Surple, apprentice cow-milker. Coming from rural Canton, Ohio, you dream of being the world's greatest cropdusting pilot, despite your dangerously bad eyesight and crippling rickets. Slow down there, jaundice-boy! You've got a lot of farmer's daughters to barn-molest before you'll have what it takes to be the master! Once you've damaged enough people's lives on earth, take to the skies and leave an air-fouling smog upon the planet that would make Randy Quaid in Independence Day weep with joy. (PROTIP: None of the farmer's daughter's are lesbians, no matter what they say.)

** Turok: Dinosaur Illustrator -- Fuck art school! You don't need formal education to know how to draw. Shit, you've been drawing dinosaurs since fourth grade, when that Jurassic Park movie came out. All you've ever wanted was to be one with the majestic lizards, living and playing with them in the hot, Cretacious weather. Still, your mom's basement is plastered with enough dinosaur drawings to make you almost think you're surrounded by dinosaurs, I mean, if you squint. Use the control stick to trace dinosaur pictures out of the children's books you refuse to return to the library, imitate dinosaur noises with A button, and weep with Z. Get into internet chat arguments about the placement of Stegosaurus spine plates and cuss loudly at your monitor until your mother asks you to quiet down a little, since she has to get up early tomorrow to visit your sister at the law firm. FUCK KATIE! FUCK MOM! YOUR LEMONADE TASTES LIKE OVARAPTOR PEE ANYWAY! (PROTIP: Do not fuck Katie.)

** Mr. Game & Fake-Rolex-Watch -- The kids pass by and they ask you if you were in the war. You pause for a second before realizing that you're still wearing the military coat you stole from the Salvation Army drop box last night. You shout vulgarities at the children, screaming about 'Nam and Ronald Reagan and the radio transmitters in your teeth. As they run away crying, you slump back down on your Best Buy bag full of garbage, and fumble through your pocket looking for your wares. As noon hits, you set up a makeshift stand made of old egg crates in front of the White House gates, and start peddling bootleg watches to faggy tourists. Tap A repeatedly to bark to passers-by and swing the control stick to knife hagglers. This is your turf. Even the aliens living in your skull could tell you that much.

** F-Zero Public Trans S5 - Cap'n Falcon can't afford a space-age rocket car anymore, but any chump can ride the subway! Run from Bus to El-Train to Taxi to Streetcar as you vie to make your way from Comic-Con to Comic-Con, hoping desperately that anyone cares enough to mistakenly pay you for your appearance. Sure, you're not one of Nintendo's better mascots, but fuck, they must have made twenty of these stupid F-Zero games! You deserve all that you can mooch. And mooching, my friend, is what public transportation is all about!

** Super Mario Landscaping -- Mario and the gang are back in an all-new adventure. Grab hold of some pruning shears and HANG ON, because there's going to be a whole lot of topiary by the time you're through! Mow lawns, pull weeds, and trim hedges for over 60+ hours of gameplay. Bowser's got an evil scheme to rid the world of underpaid immigrant workers, replacing them with robot slaves. Show the old King Koopa what mushroom-powered illegal residency is all about by clipping his garden all the way back to Magma Mountain! True, the princess could never love someone of your class or ethnicity, but it's good to feel like you've accomplished something, even if it does mean going home to masturbate and eat stromboli every night. (PROTIP: Not at the same time.)

** Pokemon: Genesis and Exodus Editions -- Have you heard the truth-a-mon? Collect all 150 saved Pokemon and record them in your Scripturedex before the Rapture comes! Professor God will aid you on your holy Crusade against the evils of same sex Pokemon breeding and scientific reasoning. The going will be harder this time, as the entire sane world is against you! Note: For accuracy reasons, Pokemon no longer evolve, but are "born-again" in new forms. Enjoy brand new characters, like Praiseasaur, Tithe-izard, and Mary Magmar. Uncover Team Islam's secret plot to take over the planet and score yourself the 150th Pokemon, Jesus (Psychic/Bug Type). Use his Walks-on-Water-Gun and Lick attacks to become the Greatest Pokemon Training Parishioner of all time! Gotta Catch 'Em All! And Convert 'Em!!!

** The Audit of Zelda: Ocarina of Foodstamps -- In this iteration of Nintendo's most popular series, Link finds himself up against the most evil force in the universe: the IRS. Talk to townspeople to learn all the song and dance routines you can, because you'll be needing some sweet, fucking Ocarina magic to explain why you haven't been paying Hyrule's horse tax for the past two years. Explain that you thought collecting masks was deductible with A button, and use press L+R at the same time to activate your wand of Receipt Forgery. Tap C-Up to debate with Navi about taking the Triforce of Power to the Pawn Shop down the block. Trade that sucker in for a talking boat, pay for massive, cartoonish reconstructive cel-shading surgery and live as a freelance Wind Waker in international waters. Every time a cruise liner goes by, toss a volley ball into the water and start screaming "WILSON!" They eat that shit up.

** 1080 Extreme Snowblowing -- Dad's asking you to do a few winter chores? Sounds not too rad, right? Natch, 'cept this time, YOU JUST SCORED A WHOLE CASE OF DEW AND POPS LEFT HIS SNOWBLOWER UNLOCKED! WOOO!!! Clear that driveway like it ain't no thang, and when the honies fly by in their 1986 Ford Probes, you slap on your snow goggles and tilt your ass in your baggy pants so they sees the goods. Yeah. You gonna get fucked someday, bro. You look like the snow-motherfucking-blastin' shiznit.

** Metroid Prime-Rib Leftovers -- Dear? Dear?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THIS IS THE SAME SHIT WE HAD YESTERDAY! (Quick! Press Z to throw your plate against the wall in an unprecedented rage! Let years of marital tension pile up to to self-destructive heights as you wallow in your own post-nuptial misery!) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! IS THIS WHY I PAY THE BILLS? SO YOU CAN SERVE ME SOME SHIT THAT I THREW UP A DAY BEFORE?! (Quick! Block her slap with the B button, then send that bitch flying with A!) YEAH! YEAHHHH YEAH---oh--oh God---oh fuck--oh God---oh my fucking God---no--no--noooo... there's no fucking way--(Whoops, shouldn't have kept that basement door open. Shit! Grab some bedsheets and start sopping up the blood before the dog gets at her! Weren't you supposed to pick the kids up from soccer today?) SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! BE QUIET! I NEED TO THINK! (Won't people get more suspicious if you aren't there? You need an alibi. You need one fast. ) JESUS CHRIST! I'M GOING TO JAIL FOR THIS! (The gun's in the cupboard. Just press Z.) What?! No! You're fucking crazy! I'm not going to--(Just press Z, man. It'll all be over. Z.) Ohh--god....*weep*
[PROTIP: MAYBE IF SHE'D DRESSED UP NICE ONCE IN A WHILE I WOULDA TAKEN HER OUT!!!]

** Yoshi Goes to Public School -- Help Yoshi survive the everyday traumas of high school! Girls, homework, underground goth suicide cults--Things sure have changed from Yoshi's days on Dinosaur Island! Keep that tongue inside your mouth, mister! Anything too showy is sexual harassment these days. And remember to keep your locker LOCKED. The junkies have a habit of stealing whatever they can get their paws on for coke money. Try to make friends and learn and have fun, but remember, it's often easy to fall in with the wrong crowd. Arm yourself with a vast array of weapons that you learned about from Doom, and pray that your parents continue to be negligent bastards. Avoid eating cafeteria food until pizza day, then cram your gullet. MMM--childhood obsesity at it's best. The extra pounds may hinder you at extra-curricular sports, but they'll come in handy for that clinical depression you've had your eyes set on! As the pressures for good grades mount, find yourself in a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol where you fall in love with the first chick who fucks you only to have your heart torn out when she goes down on some guy at a party next week. Yoshi never thought he'd take up cutting, but there was a lot of things that Yoshi said he'd never do. Your new girlfriend may be pregnant, and Burger King may be questioning your inability to make a hamburger without coughing up a small piece of your lung into the beef, but you don't need any of them. Tap A to mosh at punk concerts, and press B to avoid talking to you adults about your problems. And Jesus, cheer up! These are the best years of your life!

And that brings to a conclusion our sneak preview of Nintendo's newest line-up! Depressed? You shouldn't be! If you're a person of any worth, you'd already have pre-ordered the new FULL X-Box already. But then again, there's always the option of just sticking with the games you have. Some of them are pretty fucking awesome anyway. Take for instance, Super Smash Bros. Melee. That game is endlessly enjoyable. But wouldn't it be even better...as a DRINKING GAME?!

That's right! It's contest time! Come up with the coolest/funniest possible rules for a game entitled "Super Smashed Brothers Melee" and post them as a comment to this blog post. The winner will get a comic made in their honor on a subject of their choosing. How about it gang? Are you up for drinking with the Ice Climbers? God knows that's the only way I'd enjoy them!