Fuck, I've Been Gone

Listen, I apologize for not being here for you. You assholes.

My grandpa died. Have a fucking heart. Where were all your loving comments to get me through this time?

WHERE?

I only got one comment and it was from some chick I've never met, who's obviously just trying to have sex with me (much like every single fucking girl I've ever met, even those who make eye contact with me in the supermarket for a split second and then avert their eyes like they didn't see me [I SEE YOU GODDAMMIT, I KNOW YOU'RE THERE]). I appreciate her efforts to have sex with me, however, and believe me, although I'm handsomely above the concept of seducing a fan based on my ever-growing fame, I'm not above letting a person know I care. A picture of me having sex will be arriving in your mail shortly.

I haven't seen a movie in a long time, but it's mostly because I'm trying to save money. My money is in short supply, and I can't justify seeing a movie with gay cowboys just because it has Oscar buzz. I hate cowboys. I fucking hate cowboys. I love sodomy, and god dammit, I can't bring myself to watch it on screen just because stupid, boring cowboys are committing it. Actually, I probably would like to see Brokeback Mountain eventually. I've just been so bored with school for the first week and a half back that I didn't want to see any depressing movies, which at this point in time, means I haven't seen any movies.

Fuck, it's really been a while since we've talked, old blog. Old Bloggy. Bloggington. Olderberg.

Let's do a Winter Ye's and Nay's Round-Up so you can figure out why your opinions need a good castration on a few key issues.

1.) Rumor Has It - Rumor has it that this movie is bad! These rumors are wrong! More accurately, this is simply untrue. Rumor Has It isn't a "bad" movie. It's the worst thing that mankind has produced since the holocaust. (The Jew one, not the Robot one.) Usually I'm under the opinion that you cannot judge a film without seeing it in its entirety. In the case of Rumor Has It, you can be satisfied by the opening frame of this travesty that not only do you hate the experience, you adamently loathe every molecule of oxygen entering your respiratory system at the moment you bear witness to the travesty of film unraveling before you. Rumor Has It isn't just cinematic disease; it's cinematic cancer. Sitting in the theatre that was screening it was not just a bad experience; it was the single worst thing I've ever done in my life. Ladies and gentleman, I punched a pregnant woman so I could get the last Tickle Me Elmo at KB Toys, causing her to miscarry all over a rack of discount Toy Story merchandise. And that still gets second place.
Fuck Rumor Has It. Fuck Jennifer Aniston. Fuck Rob Reiner. You are the devil(s).
I sat through fifteen minutes of this shit. I left before Kevin Costner was introduced.
Maybe if one of the jokes had hit its target, just one, I would have stayed.
This movie is abortion.

2.) Nintendo DS.
I've owned a PSP for nearly a year now, and I can't say it hasn't been fun at times. Hot Shots Golf, GTA: Liberty City Stories, and of course Lumines (possibly my favorite puzzler since Tetris). But nothing prepared me for just how badass the Nintendo DS is. It blows the PSP out of the water. I've been playing Mario Kart DS on the internet AGAINST PEOPLE FROM AROUND THE WORLD for two weeks now, and it's an incredible technical feat. Plus, it's hella fun. I picked up Mario Kart, Kirbys Canvas Curse, Animal Crossing, and Mario and Luigi Partners in Time. All of these games are worth buying the system for. They are all killer apps. It's ridiculous to think that Nintendo keeps its handhelds so low profile when they've been the only major advancement made by the big N since Ocarina of Fucking Time.
Animal Crossing hinges on the concept of you recognizing that your life is inferior to fiction. Most of us already acknowledged this with some variation of the Sims, but Animal Crossing urges you to stretch farther, asking you to accept that you'd willingly cast off the shackles of humanity and live with the motherfucking animals in a fictional town where the highlights of your day will be designing flags and fishing competitions. Also, some bitch named Tom Nook.
Animal Crossing is addictive as fuck. I've never heard it explained in a way that accurately described the experience prior to my sitting down and playing it. It's pretty much a virtual community that keeps living when you're not there. You accomplish tasks, but only so you can make your house look sweeter, not to finish some storyline. The animals who show up and hang out with you are different depending on your game, so you generally have unique experiences from your friends. And also you can make the City Anthem the Kids in the Hall theme if you have the gift of music like I do.
Kirbys Canvas Curse is a game where you use the DS' touch screen to draw rainbows that Kirby slides his pinkened buns across for platforming fun. It's like Donkey Kong Country crossdressing as Rainbow Brite and jizzing on a leprechaun. That means it's good.
Mario Kart is kissing God.
Mario and Luigi Partners in Time is the sequel to a similarly named GBA game. At the moment, it's not as funny as its predecessor, but it's twice as action-packed, so take that for what it's worth.

Also if you own a Cube, the game to buy is Mario Strikers. No questions asked. At its best, it is near Melee level fun.

3.) I just saw Hostel last night. It is the best movie I have seen in a long time. I haven't laughed that hard since Wallace and Gromit. It was funnier than Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. The entire first half of the movie is making you hate the shitty fratboy American characters to the point where you beg the villains to kill them off. When the blood starts dripping, you're begging them to stop. Eli Roth appears to have memorized the great book of horror movie cliches in a way that Wes Craven's retarded Scream crew could only hope to, meaning instead of lazy, faux-brainy retreading of all the crappy horror movies of the past, Hostel hilariously forces its mentally-handicapped protagonists into making terrible decision after terrible decision, with each cut revealing a new moronic choice leading to further carnage. Ex: A character removes his inconspicuous disguise to hide himself on a tray of rotting corpses where he believes he will be more safe. Also, this movie nearly satisfied my love of hilarious finger chopping that was satisfactorily quenched in the travesty that was House of Wax. Although that movie sucked, it had a great finger chop moment. Everything that happens offscreen in Hostel is as terrifying as what happens onscreen, which is great, because you're pretty much mortified whether or not your eyes are open for all of it. For people who like horror movies, especially those that liked Cabin Fever, this is the pick of the litter.