It Doesn't Matter if It's Black and White

For my Media Texts class at school, I just got to watch the sweetest flick---Yojimbo. It was about a samurai. KAIIIIUUUUU!!!!!

No one said that in the movie, but fuck, if a samurai said that and started coming my way, I would welcome death, because there ain't shit to do from a samurai.

I have to write a paper on the shot framing and lens quality or something, but that's really not something I'd like to talk about. I'd rather talk about the keen music of the movie that went something like this: BEEP BOOP BEEEP SAX-A-PHONE--BORT BORT BORT---LEEEEEP! And that was just the triumphant theme for the opening credits. I don't need to tell you that the music got even better when some crazy sword shit went down. It was like ---KA-STAB-boopbop! Can't be stopped! Gonna keep rocking til the noondayli-eeeeyiii-eeeyyiii---ighhtttttt!!!! And it did too, sure as a bell ringing in the wind, it did.

Needless to say, this movie rocked. I'd give you a real review, but I'm tired as shit from practicing my samurai moves after seeing it. Here's the breakdown:

Samurai Move 1: Katana Chop -- This is the standard samurai move. You use it when someone has dishonored you and needs a good cutting. Starting from the upper right, move your sword diagonally down and to the left, leaving plenty of room between you and your foe for bloodspray. A samurai must keep his robes clean or fear the laughter of children, which would dishonor him and neccessitate the samurai's immediate beheading of said children. After landing your first blow, strike your next opponent by swinging your blade upward and to the right, returning to Samurai First Position. A samurai may then swing his sword to the left or right to dispose of foes who were initially startled by the samurai's sweet haircut. (Note: At any point during a samurai's battle, the samurai must murder at least four opponents. Any less and the samurai will suffer great dishonor at the hands of women, and we all know the samurai needs women to sword euphamistically, thereby producing heirs to the order [of samurai.])

Samurai Move 2: Food Eat -- Samurai need to stay healthy by living off a strict diet of white rice and sake. Sake is like beer for Japanese people, only you drink it out of bowls, because Japanese people are too small to handle a whole bottle. Although inferior to us in many ways, the Japanese compensate for their natural deficiancies by becoming samurai or harbor-destroying pilots. With every life a Japanese person takes, they feel a little bit better about themselves, in the same way that American's feel good when they eat a thick Quarter Pounder (w/cheese.) Nowadays, most Japanese make it big by programming video games about samurai instead of becoming them, but this has not cut back on their love for the delectably tasteless, maggotlike crop they eat so readily. In order to eat rice like a samurai, you must use chopsticks. If you use a fork, you are such a fucking pussy. Seriously, you're the kind of dipshit who eats a taco with a knife. Grow some balls and learn not to suck so much cock. Anyway, chopsticks are like stick insects that grab food for you and shove it down your throat, near magically. If I were Japanese, I'd eat with chopsticks constantly, even on food not designed for their use, like sausages and Chef Boyardee. In this way, I am a modern day Samurai.

Samurai Move 3: House Break -- A key part of being a samurai is cunningness and smarts. You need to be able to trick your opponents before they even know what the hell is going on. In Yojimbo, the samurai tells a stupid fat man that someone has broken into a house and killed everybody, and then when the man leaves to report to his boss, the samurai breaks into the house and kills everybody, cleverly completing the crime he just reported, alibi intact. That's the shit I'm talking about. Here's what you need to do: You call your friends, and you tell them that their pet has died. Then when they are grieving, you break into their house, and kick a hole in their TV. While their pet is sleeping, gently strangle it, placing its corpse inside the hollowed out television. Now, set fire to the house, making sure their parents are carefully placed inside. When your friend returns home, hide behind a bush, and watch his reaction. Now you are a Samurai.

Samurai Move 4: Fuck You -- A Samurai doesn't need anyone's help, so when someone thanks him for a good deed, the samurai spits in their face and calls their mother some Japanese word that's so sexy it's untranslatable! Eat a dick, peasant! This samurai needs not your praise! You can cut some peasants in half, but usually not the fat ones.

Believe me, I have been doing this shit all day, and it is exhausting, or as they say auf Deutsch, sehr bestengen or something. I forget. It doesn't matter; read a book.