TelemarkeDESTROYED

I just got a phone from a telemarketer on my dorm phone. You may be unaware of what a breach of privacy this is. The dorm phone is the last means of communication, below the instant message, below the snail mail letter, far below the bird tied to a rock shot to a cannon with the word "hello" stitched across its face; the dorm phone is the lowest of them all, achieving a position on the primordial stepladder shortly below smegma. I was hoping this would be an incident free year. I was wrong.

**RING RING**
Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: HellomynameisStacy, I'm calling on behalf of heaihphfh corporation* to let you know about our exciting new credit card offers...

*(As a telemarketer its important to garble the name of the company you work for so as not to alert your potential client that its some shit-ass podunk crackhouse with a copy machine and a letter opener. Always try to speak fast enough so as to make them hope you're Sprint.)

Stacy: ...and if you'll just stay on the line for a few minutes I can get you signed up for a new credit card with APR as low as--

Me: Stacy! You're never going to believe this! This is my first phone call on my new dorm phone!

Stacy: ...APR as...what? Your first phone call?

Me: NO, STACY! NOT MY FIRST PHONE CALL EVER! NO, EVEN BETTER! This is my first phone call on my NEW DORM PHONE! ISN'T THAT EXCITING?!

Stacy: Uh, yes. Very exciting. Now what I'd like for you to do is listen to me tell you about my offers on my new credit card deal for you today and it will only take a few short minutes of your time and I can sign you up immediately for your new credit card with APR as low as--

Me: Stacy, I don't think you understand. This is my FIRST PHONE CALL ON MY NEW DORM PHONE. I'm way too excited right now. I mean, I think we've got to celebrate. Don't you?

Stacy: How do you want to celebrate?

Me: I think we should sing!

Stacy: (sigh, pause) ...what do you want to sing?

Me: I want to sing THE NEW PHONE DORM ROOM PHONE SONG! And you can sing along!

Stacy: If I sing this with you, will you promise to sign up for this card and all the information I'm trying to tell you about?

Me: Stacy, here's what I'll do. If you sing with me, then I'll sing with you, and then I promise, that both of us will have sung...together.

Stacy: What?

Me: Okay, here we go! (singing) I LOVE TO SING!

Stacy: (repeating, singing) I love to sing!

Me: AND I LOVE THE PHONE!

Stacy: And I love the phone!

Me: AND I ESPECIALLLLLLLLY, LOVE SINGIN' ON THE PHOOOO-OOOONE!

Stacy: And I especiallllllly, love singin' on the pho-one.

(momentary pause)

Me: BUT WHAT I LOVE MOST OF ALL!!!!

Stacy: (now refusing to sing) But what I love most of all.

Me: IS PHONE CALLS THAT END LIKKKEEEEE THIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!!!!

(Click.)

Sorry, Stacy. You'd never make it in showbiz. You haven't got the heart.