Ruh Oh!

What's this world coming to when a man can't beat the shit out of a cartoon dog without answering to Johnny Law?

I think my favorite part of that story is the fact that the beating was completely unprovoked. You have to wonder what's going through this guy's head?

"Yeah, I'll smile for the picture with you, you dumb motherfucker. Man in dog suit fuck! You think I don't know that dogs don't walk on two legs? YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR, SCOOBY DOO! MY DAUGHTER DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH!"

I also love that he's a corrections officer. I don't know where exactly in the taint of America Hillsborough County is, but chances are, no matter how backwoods this retard is, he has to be at least fairly acquainted with the law. Are we finally beyond race-related hate crimes? Is it safe to move onto the wild, varied world of species-spite? This man thinks so.

How many times have you been walking down the street and a motherfucking squirrel walks right in front of you. It's like, excuse me, Mr. Squirrel. Which one of us can operate a blender and drive to GAP outlet shops for hip deals, and which one of us hordes nuts to the point of having notably questionable sexuality? Get the fuck off my sidewalk, bitch. So you reach into your pocket to grab a razor or a tooth or something to throw at it, and the little motherfucker tromps away like he owns the world. That's the kind of shit that needs to be stopped.

Racial dividing points have never made sense to me. What's the point of judging someone by the color of their skin, when its easier to judge someone by how ugly they are? If you are an ugly Chinese person, the fact that you are Chinese will not wager in to whether you are more or less ugly than Ben Folds. Chances are, no matter what race you are, you are better looking than Ben Folds, but no one will make the argument that Ben Folds is less attractive than a dog. Unless it was like a golden retriever or a chihuahua or something. And even then, it'd be a tough call. More of a tie, really. My point is, animals are so fucking ugly.

Back to the topic at hand, this article showcases the finest implementation of the phrase "manhandling Scooby-Doo" I've ever witnessed in internet journalism. The whole thing wouldn't be quite as bad if they'd just gotten guards on this guy immediately, instead of having a Universal rep come over and try to cartoonishly justify the possibility of a foam head coming alive and biting him. This guy is already batshit fucking loco. He is beating up a person dressed as a cartoon character. Do you think telling him that the giant dog he was fighting is gearing up to bite him is going to make him less violent? Fuck, if I thought Scooby Doo was going to bite me, I'd punch in every direction until I had an asthma attack and died. That dog did not have a small mouth. He ate sandwiches that were large, even by Dagwood standards. One bite from Scoob and you can consider yourself a eunuch. Chickety-Chomp! Bye Bye Balls.

The whole thing is absurd, but consider this: Maybe he thought it was Scrappy Doo. And doesn't that make him just a little more justified?

What do you tell a Scooby Doo with two black eyes?


Nothing. You already told him twice.